The Dark Side - part 2

This second segment is going to be short (I hope) because going on and on about depression can be...well, depressing. The picture I chose above has personal significance. When in a depressive episode, the filter with which I view the world has only shades of black and white. The red of the flower signifies the world/the environment; the girl...me.

I've made several attempts to describe how depression feels. Years ago I used to see myself floating down in a very dark pool, the edge nowhere in sight. Down, down, down. Sometimes it took days, sometimes weeks to reach the bottom. After finally getting there, I could feel the cloak of heaviness begin to lift and I could slowly start the trek back.

Think of jumping into the deep end of a swimming pool and making your way down to the bottom, but in slow motion. Once your feet touch, you're ready to push up, back to the top of the water. Also, picture this happening in slo-mo. I won't ask you to imagine yourself in a totally dark pool with no lights and absolutely no idea where the bottom is because that would be just dang...creepy.

I've also seen depression as a black hole, a vortex of sorts that pulls me into a place where my thoughts and actions become paralyzed. My smile is nowhere to be found...I call this my "I hate" mood. I hate the time it takes to turn on the TV. I hate commercials. I hate the sunlight. I wish it would rain. I hate the thought of having to get out of bed. I hate seeing people (there is a distorted envy that convinces me everyone/everything in the world is in order and just fine...except me). I feel I'm on the outside looking in. This is a good example of the irrational thinking of depression I mentioned in part 1.

Almost a year ago, coincidentally peaking around the time of the Out of the Darkness Walk for Suicide Prevention, I used the voice memo on my phone to try to express how I felt on my drive out to The Woodlands. Trapped. Trapped inside a bubble. No one could get in and I couldn't get out. The air in the bubble seemed to be seeping out somehow, the life and air being sucked from my body. Looking back now, I can joke and say I might have ended up as a shrink-wrapped old lady. The thought today is funny. A year ago...agony. Lucky for me I'd had the training as a counselor, knew the signs, and recognized I was in trouble.

Back in August after Robin Williams' untimely death, Cathy Chester, blogger for the Huffington Post and creator of An Empowered Spirit, said the following about her own depression.

"There are days of horrible, unreasonable thoughts, and times when you believe your life is not worth it. The world has a dark filter on it, and everything seems difficult. It's pure hell.

Listening to reporters talk about Robin Williams for the last few days, asking ridiculous questions such as why didn't he just snap out of it, is why we need more education and awareness about depression in our country. If you've never walked in the shoes of depression you have no idea what it feels like. Robin Williams had severe depression, and only his family and close friends know what he endured. Who are we to guess?"

Now that I've painted this sordid-scum-sucking-depressing-as-hell post...let me end by saying the following: there can be light brought to this serious matter. Drop the stigma around reaching out for help with mental issues. Personally, I believe everyone should have an annual mental checkup. Why not? We certainly do for our body. Why not our mind and emotions?
 
I ran across this phrase yesterday morning. Her words may not work in times of darkest depression, but it may be worth posting around somewhere as a reminder...

"Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain." - Helen Keller

Guess my post wasn't as short as I thought...

1-800-273-8255 - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

http://www.nami.org/ - National Alliance on Mental Illness  

The Dark Side - part 1

Let’s start with specific definitions about depression…

Depression: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.

 

Clinical Depression: a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.

Bipolar Disorder (formerly manic depressive disorder): an affective disorder characterized by periods of mania alternating with periods of depression, usually interspersed with relatively long intervals of normal mood. 

Disclaimer: I’m just a person who has dealt with depression since my late teens, although the diagnosis did not come until my late 20’s (1977-78). I am not a doctor and am only offering my perception of what I have learned from my own depressive episodes. After each section below add “in Terry’s opinion.”

What depression is not: (in Terry’s opinion…like that)

• Something that should be taken lightly 
• Something that can be “shaken off” by looking on the bright side or be reminded how much you have to be thankful for
• An adjective – depressed is an adjective which can be found on any “feelings chart” - example: “I felt depressed after watching the news tonight.” Feeling depressed means sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast, but usually passes with time

           

What depression is:

• A noun
• A chemical imbalance in the brain which results in irrational thinking
• A condition that can hopefully be treated with medication…though this can be tricky (finding the right medication/dosage/interaction with other drugs/being able to “stick with it” because often the meds don’t kick in for about 3 weeks – and that can seem like an eternity for someone walking a thin line)
• Can cause anger, despondency, excessive sleeping, withdrawal from society, flat facial affect, extreme weariness (to name a few)

      What medication for depression or bipolar disorder is not:

• An upper/stimulant
• A med that will magically take away problems/issues

What medication for depression or bipolar disorder can hopefully do:

•   Balance brain chemistry
•  If medication is for clinical depression, the aim is to bring the brain’s level of rational thinking up to sea level, which in turn, allows the person to begin dealing with issues (with the help of a therapist, which I highly recommend).
• Medication for bipolar disorder is targeted to hopefully lower the manic stages back into a normal range and raise the depressive episodes up to a coping level. 

· 

My personal experience with clinical depression - the above picture is what I try to image during these times

Over the years, my episodes have greatly diminished in length and severity. Environment plays a large part of triggering my depression. However, I have had three serious episodes in the past twelve years and all have involved medication. The first happened after a change in the medication I had been on for years. The new medication seemed to have no effect on my system at all. The second was altering my medication dosage (actually increased it) which caused a serious nose dive. The third was a severe adverse reaction from Ambien, which occurred last fall.

ON MY SOAP BOX:

You know those pharmaceutical commercials flowing on TV these days listing the plethora of really severe side effects? Unfortunately, I know they're true…but in my opinion, absurd.

Especially the ones that say:

“If you should begin to experience serious mood changes or have suicidal thoughts, stop taking the medication and call your doctor.”

I literally want to scream at this idiotic statement (although I know by law they are required to mentio "potential" side effects). BECAUSE, if a medication you are taking is causing suicidal thoughts, you are already in an irrational state of mind, and most likely do not have the ability to make a rational move, such as calling your doctor. (makes me grind my teeth)

OFF MY SOAP BOX:

A final note about Robin Williams, which spurred me to write this post. I’ve always felt he suffered from bipolar disorder, simply because of how hysterically witty and quick his mind worked (manic stage). It’s like his mouth and body fought to keep up with his mental wealth of thoughts.

Then I saw him in Good Will Hunting (still one of my favorite movies). During the entire show he played such a low-keyed person. If you have a chance to watch the movie, pay attention to his eyes. There are several scenes that touched me to the very depth of my soul, the hollowness, the sadness. I believe he was either in a depressive episode during the filming of Good Will Hunting or he absolutely 100% knew how to play the part of someone who had experienced the depths of that darkness.

Just my thoughts… (to be continued)